Book review: When Clowns Attack by Chuck Sambuchino

If you’re planning a trip to sunny Lowestoft at the end of the month, when clowns from all over the world are descending on the seaside resort for Clown Gathering UK (click here to read all about it) then you might want to pack this handy little book alongside your bucket and spade: When Clowns Attack - A Survival Guide by Chuck Sambuchino.

A lot of people are afraid of clowns. And with good reason, according to Chuck, the founder of Red Nose Alert.

Consider: they hide their identities behind impenetrable make-up and false names like Happy, Fuzzy, Sunshine, Sniff and Giggles - nicknames earned by their addiction to ecstasy, weed, LSD, cocaine and laughing gas, respectively.

They’re impervious to pain, whether its a giant mallet to the head, a pie tin in the face or a fire extinguisher blast down the trousers. That’s not slapstick, says Chuck, it’s borderline super powers.

Their baggy pants could be hiding anything from a baseball bat to a bazooka. And, worst of all, they’re above the law. If they want to whack you with a rubber chicken or give you an over-the-head wedgie, they’ll just do it!

They're coming to get you!
Click here to read about
Britain's real life
clown crime wave.

But clowns aren’t just individual nuisances in Sambuchino’s book, they’re an organised menace that will abduct your children to swell their big-shoed ranks and ultimately seek to take over the world and impose Fools Rule on the rest of us.

Until that day comes, look out for individual attempts to steal your wallet, your life or your sanity.

The book lists some danger zones to avoid. The circus is an obvious one (“Just don’t f***ing go!”). Also, anywhere called Funhouse. Closed amusement parks are the most dangerous of all. That’s where the most deranged homeless clowns congregate, and where the clowns are said to bury their dead.

But what should you do when clowns attack?

If you find yourself being chased by a clown posse, throw a banana skin in their path. Clown Law dictates at least one of them will have to slip on it and hopefully take the rest down like skittles.

If any are still chasing you, try throwing an imaginary ball high in the air and shout “Catch!” Again, Clown Law commands the funny fellows will have to stand around trying to catch the invisible object.

Running upstairs is another good choice. Those outsize boots make stairs a challenge for bozos.

Sambouchino also offers some tips for spotting a plain clothes clown. If your new friend strikes you as a bit suspicious, try a word association test. Say “Big,” and if he replies “Top,” “Nose” or “Shoes,” you’re in trouble. Say “Balloon” and if he answers “Animals” - start running!

There’s safety in numbers, so if you’re worried about growing numbers of clowns in your neighbourhood, ally yourself with Peta activists - animal rights supporters are the sworn enemies of the circus. Also make friends with mimes. For some reason, mimes are apparently another sworn enemy of clowns, and if it comes to a clown raid on your home, a squad of the silent ninjas are the best people to have on your side.

This is a silly book, of course - a bit like those guides to surviving a zombie apocalypse. I mean, clowns are harmless bringers of joy, aren’t they? They wouldn’t turn on us... er, would they? Surely they don’t pose the same threat to our civilisation as a plague of zombies. But then again... how many zombies have you ever seen in real life? But there are an awful lot of clowns around, aren’t there?

Click here to buy When Clowns Attack from Amazon.

And click here for the History of Scary Clowns!

Scary Clowns - The History!

Just ignore them, they only want attention. That was the advice of Norfolk police as an outbreak of 'clown crime' spread across Britain this past winter, with copycat clowns aping the antics of internet sensation the Northampton Clown. (Click here for more)

Tony Eldridge, secretary of Clowns International, has said the outbreak of anti-social clowning is no laughing matter and is damaging the reputation of professional clowns. “We have to reclaim clowning as a positive thing which brings happiness,” said Eldridge, who’s clown name is Bluebottle.

But are the clown pranksters really souring our perception of men with big shoes and red noses, or simply capitalising on a widespread and deep-seated fear of clowns that has existed as long as clowns themselves?

In the following extract from an article that originally appeared in The Stage, I trace the history of scary clowns.

Joker's wild

Clownhouse, Mr Jingles, In Fear Of Clowns and Killer Clowns From Outer Space are just some of the horror films to feed or exploit the fear of white-faced funny-men. The Joker in Batman and the toy clown that comes to life in Poltergeist are further examples, while Bart Simpson voiced childhood fears with the mantra, “Can’t sleep, clown will eat me.”

In 2008, a University of Sheffield study of 250 children between the ages of four and 16 was commissioned to determine the best choice of hospital decor. The results found clowns to be “universally disliked” and regarded as “frightening and unknowable.”

Coulrophobia - the fear of clowns - is estimated to afflict 2% of the adult population, but anecdotal evidence including the existence of websites such as I Hate Clowns.com suggests the figure is much higher (you can even sign up for your own ihateclowns.com email address).

Bart Simpson
"Can't Sleep, clown will eat me!"

Clowns, in one form or another, have always been with us. The court jester of medieval times is just one historical example of an anarchic fool licensed to poke fun at society’s mores.

The father of modern clowning was Victorian pantomime star Joseph Grimaldi, after whom clowns are still nicknamed Joeys. Grimaldi popularised white face paint with red markings on his cheeks as a way of making his expressions more visible in smoky, candlelit theatres.

Grimaldi was a massive celebrity but a memoir posthumously edited by Charles Dickens revealed him to be a tragic, depressed figure in private who punned, “I’m grim all day, but I make you laugh at night.”

The first Joey
Joseph Grimaldi
- an illustration from
Circus Mania

Andrew McConnell Stott, author of The Pantomime Life of Joseph Grimaldi (Canongate), traces the enduring cliche of the sad man behind the clown face directly to Grimaldi. And it’s perhaps the fact that a clown’s make-up disguises the wearer’s true emotions that makes us suspicious of them.

According to author Ramsey Campbell, who employed sinister clown themes in The Grin Of The Dark, “It’s the fear of the mask, the fact it doesn’t change and is relentlessly comical.”
Grimaldi’s French contemporary Jean-Gaspard Deburau, who created the pantomime character Pierrot, became the first real life killer clown when he struck a boy and killed him after being taunted in the street.

Fictional killer clowns quickly followed with the 1892 Italian opera Pagliacci (Clowns) depicting a Grimaldi-type character who murders his wife.

The mid-20th century was a golden age for loveable clowns as television spread the fame of Bozo the Clown in America and Charlie Cairoli in Britain. The popularity of clowns was reflected by the decision of McDonalds to adopt Ronald McDonald as its mascot in 1963 - although opponents of the fast food chain may regard the Happy Hamburger Clown as a prime example of a smiling clown with a sinister agenda.

Ronald McDonald
making another fan for life

Cairoli’s generation had become established as children’s entertainers whereas earlier clowns like Grimaldi provided satire for adults. But it was the association with childhood innocence that allowed horror writers to make clowns scary - for what could be more frightening than a homicidal maniac loose among kids?

Real life added to the image of clown as predator when John Wayne Gacy - a registered clown called Pogo - was convicted of killing 35 men in Chicago between 1972 and 1978.

“Clowns can get away with murder,” quipped the man newspapers dubbed the Killer Clown.

Today’s clowns are well aware that many people find them more scary than funny. Circuses in America run clown therapy workshops in which children watch clowns applying their make-up to demystify the transformation.

Danny Adams
Just clowning

Many British clowns, such as Danny Adams of Cirque du Hilarious, have reduced their make-up to a minimum.

“Too much make-up scares the kids,” says Adams. “I’ve never worn a lot and over the years it’s got less and less.”

Jasper King of musical clown troupe the Chipolatas wears no clown make-up at all, saying, “When I started out I had a white face and I soon realised that wasn’t the way to go. It alienates people - you’re someone different. I want the kids to think, ‘He’s the same as me.’”

But if you take away a clown’s make-up, is he still a clown?

Slapstick movie stars Charlie Chaplin and Laurel and Hardy were direct descendants of the American circus’ hobo clown or character clown, and were clowns in every respect except face-paint, which on the big screen they didn’t need. The most successful clown of recent times is Mr Bean, although few fans of Rowan Atkinson’s mostly silent creation ever recognise him as a clown.

The world will probably always need clowns to hold up a distorted mirror to the absurdities of life.

But perhaps because they no longer appear in smoky Victorian theatres they no longer need exaggerated faces to be seen.

Then again, maybe the current fad for public pranksters dressed as clowns is proof that a scary sense of otherness has always been part of the appeal of clowns.

As the Northampton Clown puts it, “I just want to amuse people. Most people enjoy being a bit freaked out and then they can laugh about it afterwards. It’s like watching a horror movie. When people get scared, they start laughing.”

2nd Edition out now!

For the full story of clowning and interviews with some of today's funniest clowns, read Circus Mania - The Ultimate Book For Anyone Who Dreamed Of Running Away With The Circus by Douglas McPherson

"Circus Mania is a brilliant account of a vanishing art form."
- Mail on Sunday

Click here to buy Circus Mania from Amazon.